Alien Girlybrain

I've been on the Cymbalta for a week now, and I can say for certain it's making a HUGE difference. In fact, I don't think it's possible for me to overstate how important it is to my recovery. For the last week I've been attending an outpatient program here in Trenton. I'm not going to get into specifics, and I'm certainly not going to go full-on Stuart Smalley here, but it's been very helpful.

Next week I'm travelling to Boston to be with Damian for a week. With some luck we'll sign a lease on an apartment in the Amherst area. Then I'm going to California for a couple months, both to pack and to spend some time with Travis. I miss him terribly, as you might suspect. Then it's back to MA in September (assuming we get an apartment lined up for that time) and my life as a New Englander begins. :)

Oh. I have another goal, too: lose 110+ pounds for surgery. In May, I was offered assistance in paying for surgery. I consulted with two surgeons, both of whom told me I would need to lose a LOT of weight before they'd perform surgery on me. I currently top the scales at 358 pounds so I've got my work cut out for me. I am not setting ANY firm dates. I will lose the weight when I lose it, and I will get my surgery when I get it.

things which have happened since i stopped updating:

1. Damian and i have gotten married. this was something wonderful.

2. my (now former, by her decree) mother-in-law found out about this and went on a bigoted rampage, demanding i leave my home. she owns the house in which Travis and i live, and she thinks this gives her the right to kick the "sinner" out. guess she forgot about Romans 3:23. this was not so wonderful, but it seems to have had some positive effects.

3. there is NO third thing!

4. i went to Wisconsin for Christmas, and to Indiana for a couple weeks after that. this was a really wonderful getaway, even if i had to endure lots of right-wing bloviating on the radio (and at dinner a couple times). my folks, for all their right-wingedness, have been remarkably supportive and accepting of not just my transness, but apparently also of my being poly. this i had not expected.

5. when i returned to Los Angeles, i was greeted by a friend, who is putting me up at her house until such time as Travis and i can afford an apartment. meanwhile, Damian is also looking for a place, and wants me to come stay with him when he does. i'm deeply grateful to my friend for giving me a place to live. i'm also looking forward to being with either one of my husbands…to having a HOME again.

6. i received an email from Travis's folks today. there was no body, just a link to a website about a supposed transgender woman who claimed to have been pushed to become female, but knew she didn't REALLY want to do it, and, after coming to Christ, detransitioned and is apparently very happy living again as a man. there are a few problems with this. first off, our stories are completely different. this person claims they were forced to wear girls' clothing as a child by their grandmother. they also claim to have been molested by an uncle. they also claim they wanted nothing to do with being female, but only transitioned because they thought they had no other choice.

i was NEVER forced to wear girls' clothing. i WANTED to wear them. i would wear my sister's or mother's clothing whenever i could. when puberty arrived and my body began to change i was dismayed when my breasts didn't grow, when my hips didn't widen. and when my beautiful soprano voice broke and became a tenor (and later, a baritone) it hurt. though i still loved singing, i lost the desire to do so publically. i was in choir my freshman year of high school but quit when i changed schools for my sophomore year. these things did not register consciously, but they affected me all the same.

i always WANTED to live life as a girl. my doubts today notwithstanding, i think things are better for me than they were before. so transition WASN'T the answer to all my problems—so what? i'm doing better as Carla Irene Anderson-Kisala than i was as Bruce Willard. how alien that name feels now…

talking with Travis tonight he commented on how receiving this email has strengthened my resolve about transition and my femininity. he said transition must be God's will because this attempt to push me to "get right with God" has only made me realise i've taken the right steps. so. irony. :)

so anyway, life is a little chaotic right now but overall it's good. i have shelter, a whole bunch of amazing, loving friends and two incredible guys who love me despite my faults. things will get better, sooner or later.

"When you read this you're tagged! Take a picture of you in your current state, no changing your clothes or quickly putting on makeup. NO PHOTOSHOP. Show your F-List the real you!"

Yeah, well, I'm having kind of a shitty body image day here and I need to shave but whatever.



Enjoy.

Well, it's that time of year, when a middle-aged woman's thoughts turn toward…NaNoWriMo. Yes, it's time once more to think of an idea and try to make it happen. As it happens I do have the beginnings of a story this year. Last year I went into it without planning ahead and I fizzled out at around 11,000 words. I'm going to try and do some outlining this time and see if that helps at all.

Anyway, if you're participating in NaNo, feel free to add me as a friend. My profile is here.

On 2 September I had my name change hearing. On 3 September, I was able to change my name with the Social Security Administration. I forgot to bring the letter from Dr Nguyen stating he had performed surgery on me though, and the lady I saw said she wasn't able to change my gender marker at that time. When I went back the following Monday with the letter, the man I spoke with said it wasn't enough, that he needed confirmation faxed from the doctor's office. This despite the fact I had an original, notarised signature from Dr Nguyen. I contacted his office and Russann dutifully faxed the information to the number provided. I went back on Wednesday and was told they'd never received the information, and that I'd need to have them send it again. I was suspicious that I'd encountered a bigot. Someone who wouldn't lift a finger to help me because I either made him uncomfortable or because he disapproved of my "lifestyle choice". I can't prove it, but frankly it doesn't MATTER. The point is, he was being unhelpful and then lied about not getting the materials requested. So I went to a different SSA. Yesterday afternoon I spent nearly two hours waiting in line at the SSA in Hollywood, and in the end got a very helpful lady who said, "Well, I don't know if it'll let me change it or not, but I'm going to try". She tried, succeeded, and now the federal government regards me as female.

That left two items to be dealt with, my birth certificate and my driver's license. I've got a form to fill out, and one which Dr Nguyen needs to fill out as well for the birth certificate, but I had everything I needed for the DMV, so I went in this morning and got that taken care of. My new license will come in the mail in 2-3 weeks, according to the guy who took my photo, but who knows, it might come sooner. I've already gotten my new social security card, which was also supposed to take 2-3 weeks, so you never know.

All in all, it's been a great couple of days. I've also gotten one credit card in my name, and the others have all been requested, so by the end of this month I should have almost everything dealt with, at least the major stuff. I still have little stuff to deal with, but there's no rush on that. It's been a hell of a year so far. I can't wait to see what the next few months and the next year bring.

Yesterday I was at a very, VERY low ebb. I was feeling sad and lonely all day. I was seriously missing fanboy_of_zeus, who'd been busy Friday and Saturday with preparations for her birthday dinner last night plus feeling isolated because all my friends are elsewhere in the world. And Travis, dear, sweet Travis, needs to sleep SOMETIMES and on his schedule that usually means he's asleep when I'm awake and vice versa, with some overlap in between.

So I was alone and feeling pretty worthless to boot. When he woke, I almost didn't want to let Travis go. And when Damian was free after her party, we were able to video chat for a little while. If I can't be with her in Boston, at least we have Skype to help us connect face to face. So I was feeling a bit better.

After dinner we walked up to Rite-Aid so I could look at canes. I've been having a lot of heel pain lately and sometimes it's hard to walk. And because I'm so often limping because of the heel pain in my left foot, my left knee has started to act up again. Whee. So, a cane. It might help a bit. Makes me feel an old fool for letting myself get into this state, but what can I do? While we were at the store, we saw cake mix on sale and thought it would be a nice treat, but there was a huge queue at the register (and only one checker), so we decided to leave it, and walked back home.

I thought nothing more of cake and went to sleep. This morning after I woke, Travis surprised me with a cake he'd baked from scratch! It's a layer cake, too, with homemade chocolate buttercream frosting! <3 He made a Mexican Chocolate cake, and it's very yummy. If you'd like to make it too, click here for the recipe. I highly recommend it. I'm tempted to go have another piece now, but I should probably eat something more substantial. :)

It was so sweet and thoughtful! <3 I love him so much!

I got my new social security card in the mail today. I'm official now! And damn if this doesn't make me feel extra-good! Now, if I could just get my driver's license squared away! I made a second attempt today only to discover the DMV is closed today. Budget cutbacks, I guess. Oh well, I'll try again on Monday.

Happy birthday to my sweetie, fanboy_of_zeus!