Coming out letter

This morning I am mailing my coming out letter to my parents. Of everything I've done so far as part of my transition, this is the hardest and most frightening. I want everything to go well, but at the same time I fear the absolute worst. My happiness is not contingent on their acceptance, but life would be all the sweeter if they accept me as their daughter and Travis as their son-in-law.

I'd like to share the contents of my letter with you. I'm not completely happy with it, but I think it works well enough. I wrote the last paragraph last night, inspired by a conversation I had with a friend this weekend, and it's my favourite part of the letter. This is the final draft. This is exactly what went out in the mail today, signed, "Your loving daughter, Carla".

And even though the letter is still in the mail slot waiting for the mail carrier to come and collect it, I regard it as gone and outside my power. The butterflies are quieting. My stomach is settling. I will be OK.

Dear Mom and Dad,

It was wonderful to be with you again; it's been far too long. I love you and miss you already. I hope we will be able to visit again this summer. I don't want to let another year and a half go by before I see you again! Thank you again for your incredible generosity and hospitality. We have begun to plan our trip to Japan. I would like to go this summer, but we have other plans already in place and besides, we'd like to time our trip to Japan so that we can meet our friend Julie who will be returning to Japan from New Zealand next year, so I think we'll be going in Summer 2011.

There is something serious I need to tell you. On February 3rd I had a doctor's appointment. (No, I'm not dying, don't worry!) I went to see Dr Maddie Deutsch who has recently opened a new, low-cost clinic in Hollywood, which is about a two hour trip each way by both bus and train. That may seem a long way to travel to see a doctor, but she's a very special doctor. She is going to help me by monitoring my health as I begin to move from living my life as Bruce Willard to living it as Carla Irene. I have known since I was around five or six that I'm female. I am a transsexual woman, and Dr Maddie specialises in helping people like me.

But what about Grace? Well, Grace and I had a really good talk last summer wherein she told me that she is like me. That is to say, where I have a female brain and a male body, she has a male brain and a female body. So in other words, HE is moving from living his life as Grace to living it as Travis. When I told you, Mom, that we were uniquely suited for one another, I wasn't kidding. Somehow we found each other, two people out of billions, who would be able to understand and support one another through this time. We are deeply in love with one another and are staying together.

I love you and I need for you to be a part of my life as I make this incredibly difficult change. Your love and emotional support mean so much to me…I'm not sure what I would do without you. I understand that this is a lot to take in all at once. I understand that you may not approve. I understand that you may not understand why I would do this. I understand all of this, but I hope beyond hope that you will understand that this is something I MUST do for myself. I have endured forty-three years of pain, confusion, depression and self-hatred. I will not live the rest of my life like that. I cannot live the rest of my life like that. For the first time in my life, I am genuinely happy. I am becoming the woman I was always meant to be, and the joy I feel because of this is almost unbearable at times. This might not have been what you expected for my life, but it is what is. I love you, and I hope you can share in my joy. Please take as much time as you need to think about what I have told you, and to read the enclosed information about transsexuality. If you do not contact me by the end of March, I will call you so we can talk. I will try to answer your questions as openly and honestly as I can.

This letter taken a VERY long time to write, but at long last it is complete and I am able to share my true self with my family so that you may share my joy and join in the celebration of a life realised. I know the instinct might be to mourn the loss of a son, but the daughter who writes these words to you today is the same person you have known all these years, unmasked at last. This is not a moment for sorrow; it is an occasion for exultation and elation! Come, celebrate with us!

OK, this was unexpected

So today I mailed my parents the letter I posted earlier. I also emailed similar letters to my sister and to my aunt & uncle. They already knew, but I wanted to help protect the relationship between my mom and aunt by making it look like I was telling everyone all at once.

Ah, but I'd not reckoned on my sister being a fucking busybody. On Saturday she and my brother-in-law drove to Huntington and told them.

I should be FURIOUS at her for this, and I think part of me is, but that part is being drowned out by the rest of me which is breathing a HUGE sigh of relief because…

My parents accept me. Dad is taking the "love the sinner, hate the sin" approach (I'm not sure how the hell I'm going to convince him this isn't a sin, or if I even can) but Mom's response was very heartening. "Well, he's our son and we accept him." That'll do, Mom; that'll do.

Carol Lynn has just saved me several anxious days of waiting and wondering about their reaction, and for that I thank her. I just wish she hadn't shared this truth of mine without asking me first.

Something amusing

So during the course of the conversation on Saturday Mom said, "Well, I'm going to have to call Sandy to help me figure this out." Dad said, "Why on earth would you need to talk to SANDY?" She looked at him and said, "Well, because of Patty and Lisa, of course!" "What? They're roommates! What does that have to do with anything?" Mom then proceeded to explain how Patty and Lisa are a couple and that they are, in fact, lesbians.

Now, I had my suspicions about them, but I figured it wasn't really my place to speculate about them with my family and I'm not so forward that I'll just come out and ASK them directly, but this? Did not surprise me in the least. I think it's wonderful!

I'm also grateful that Mom has a friend (and Sandy is a wonderful, wise woman and a very good friend) that she can turn to now for guidance and support. I confess I had not thought about this before. With Sandy she has someone to talk to who isn't part of their church or immediate social circle (since Sandy lives two states away).

And as for Dad…well, I'm not surprised that this took him by surprised. He's very much the old-fashioned conservative, "Boys grow up to be men and girls grow up to be women and that's Just The Way It Is™ type. Things are very black-and-white for him, and it may take a long time for him to come to terms with the reality of his newly announced daughter. But that's OK, as long as he accepts me and loves me.