Entry tags:
Dear "Carla"
Mike responded to my email…
( In which I am called out for being intolerant of his bigotry and asshattery )
( In which I am called out for being intolerant of his bigotry and asshattery )
Entry tags:
Dear Mike
Here's a letter I just sent to an old and formerly very dear friend of mine. I am shaking. This hurts me more than I can tell you. Good-bye, Mike. I hope you have a good life and that you find happiness some day.
Dear Mike,
I've been out to you for almost a year now. In fact, it'll be a year on the 28th of August. In that time you have made it abundantly clear that you don't and won't accept Travis and me as the people we are. Your actions betray your intentions. You call me, "Bruce". You call Travis, "Grace". You misgender us constantly. I don't understand why this is difficult for you, but it really doesn't matter at this point.
You and I have been friends for about seventeen years, Mike. Over those years I have come to think of you as a brother in life, if not in blood. We've shared many happy times together, but now it seems you're putting yourself and your comfort ahead of me and my happiness. And that hurts like you wouldn't believe. I won't be returning your calls, Mike, because hearing you say my old name is a dagger in my heart. You can't even afford me this tiny bit of respect? On the 2nd of September, my name will be changed legally. My parents—both conservative Christians and staunch Republicans—have accepted me and call me Carla. So why can't you? I think it would be best if you stop trying to contact me, unless you think you can begin to accept us as the people we truly are and treat us with simple human respect.
Dear Mike,
I've been out to you for almost a year now. In fact, it'll be a year on the 28th of August. In that time you have made it abundantly clear that you don't and won't accept Travis and me as the people we are. Your actions betray your intentions. You call me, "Bruce". You call Travis, "Grace". You misgender us constantly. I don't understand why this is difficult for you, but it really doesn't matter at this point.
You and I have been friends for about seventeen years, Mike. Over those years I have come to think of you as a brother in life, if not in blood. We've shared many happy times together, but now it seems you're putting yourself and your comfort ahead of me and my happiness. And that hurts like you wouldn't believe. I won't be returning your calls, Mike, because hearing you say my old name is a dagger in my heart. You can't even afford me this tiny bit of respect? On the 2nd of September, my name will be changed legally. My parents—both conservative Christians and staunch Republicans—have accepted me and call me Carla. So why can't you? I think it would be best if you stop trying to contact me, unless you think you can begin to accept us as the people we truly are and treat us with simple human respect.
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Entry tags:
Happy birthday!
So on Monday evening, ![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
emory came by with bags and bags and bags of stuff for us to go through. I mean, there was a TON of stuff, mostly perfume, makeup and clothes. There were also shooooooes, none of which fit me *sob*. One pair is very close to fitting, and if I can suss out how to stretch them I just might be able to swing it.
I wound up with TONS of jewellry, including about dozen pairs of earrings, a few necklaces and a lovely earring/necklace set which I plan to wear to my name change hearing. I also have lots of makeup, including one bottle of nail polish, several lip glossen and a make up kit which I haven't even looked at yet.
It was all so generous! Thank you, Emory!
emory came by with bags and bags and bags of stuff for us to go through. I mean, there was a TON of stuff, mostly perfume, makeup and clothes. There were also shooooooes, none of which fit me *sob*. One pair is very close to fitting, and if I can suss out how to stretch them I just might be able to swing it.I wound up with TONS of jewellry, including about dozen pairs of earrings, a few necklaces and a lovely earring/necklace set which I plan to wear to my name change hearing. I also have lots of makeup, including one bottle of nail polish, several lip glossen and a make up kit which I haven't even looked at yet.
It was all so generous! Thank you, Emory!
Entry tags:
I wish I was
Tomorrow afternoon I'll be heading back to Santa Monica. As much as I adore Portland, and have enjoyed with time with aris_tgd and liviapenn it's time I got back to my honey. I can travel, assuming I don't have to exert myself too much anywhere along the line, and once I'm back in my home I can rest and recover without having to feel like I'm imposing on others (not that Aris and Livia seem to mind my presence - they have been gracious, generous hosts and I am, as I have said before, very grateful to them for their hospitality).
Today Aris brought me a little present, some eye makeup. When we were at Walgreens last week to pick up my meds, we went and looked at makeup. I said off-handedly that I wanted to learn how to do my eyes. So when she went out to pick up some lunch, she came back with a little pink-wrapped package with a silver ribbon, from Bare Escentuals! It has the basics: mascara, eyeliner, brown eye shadow and a moisturiser, along with an eye shadow brush. She also got me a blue eye shadow. I've asked her to help me do my eyes before my flight tomorrow. I plan to go back in full femme mode. :)
Which reminds me. I have heard from the Center's legal aid people that my name change paperwork should be done in a couple of weeks. I will need to file it myself. I'm starting to think it would be better if I just did it myself. We'll see.
aris_tgd and liviapenn it's time I got back to my honey. I can travel, assuming I don't have to exert myself too much anywhere along the line, and once I'm back in my home I can rest and recover without having to feel like I'm imposing on others (not that Aris and Livia seem to mind my presence - they have been gracious, generous hosts and I am, as I have said before, very grateful to them for their hospitality).Today Aris brought me a little present, some eye makeup. When we were at Walgreens last week to pick up my meds, we went and looked at makeup. I said off-handedly that I wanted to learn how to do my eyes. So when she went out to pick up some lunch, she came back with a little pink-wrapped package with a silver ribbon, from Bare Escentuals! It has the basics: mascara, eyeliner, brown eye shadow and a moisturiser, along with an eye shadow brush. She also got me a blue eye shadow. I've asked her to help me do my eyes before my flight tomorrow. I plan to go back in full femme mode. :)
Which reminds me. I have heard from the Center's legal aid people that my name change paperwork should be done in a couple of weeks. I will need to file it myself. I'm starting to think it would be better if I just did it myself. We'll see.
It’s official
Yesterday morning I received in the mail a letter from Dr Maddie. This letter says, among other things, that I am a good candidate for an orchiectomy. At this point all I need to do is get my paperwork up to Dr Nguyen’s office along with the letters and payment and I’m set. All of this needs to be done by 10 June, which should be no problem at all. I’ll scan the paperwork to PDFs and forward them to his office and then put the physical copies in the mail Tuesday morning.
It’s really, REALLY going to happen. By this time next month I will be resting and recuperating and adjusting to live sans testosterone. No more spiro. No more mindless flares of anger and aggression. No more pain, physical or mental. I’m going to be free, my friends, I’m going to be free. And I cannot wait!
Oh, as an aside, not really related, I was at the grocery store this morning and ran into our neighbor. It was clear from her reaction that she knew she recognised me, but couldn't place me. She said "Hello! Good to see you!" and touched my hand as she did so. I said hello back and we went on our separate ways. What a lovely bit of validation. I'm sure if she saw me in context (here in the neighborhood) she'd recognise me, but out of context, I was just this familiar-looking woman. I had the biggest smile on my face as I walked home. What a wonderful way to start the week! :)
I should point out that I don't like the idea of "passing" because it seems (to me) to imply that there's a certain appearance one must attain and maintain to be acceptable as a woman or a man in our society, and I think that's bullshit. Nevertheless, it always makes me happy when I am read as female, whether by strangers or by friends.
It’s really, REALLY going to happen. By this time next month I will be resting and recuperating and adjusting to live sans testosterone. No more spiro. No more mindless flares of anger and aggression. No more pain, physical or mental. I’m going to be free, my friends, I’m going to be free. And I cannot wait!
Oh, as an aside, not really related, I was at the grocery store this morning and ran into our neighbor. It was clear from her reaction that she knew she recognised me, but couldn't place me. She said "Hello! Good to see you!" and touched my hand as she did so. I said hello back and we went on our separate ways. What a lovely bit of validation. I'm sure if she saw me in context (here in the neighborhood) she'd recognise me, but out of context, I was just this familiar-looking woman. I had the biggest smile on my face as I walked home. What a wonderful way to start the week! :)
I should point out that I don't like the idea of "passing" because it seems (to me) to imply that there's a certain appearance one must attain and maintain to be acceptable as a woman or a man in our society, and I think that's bullshit. Nevertheless, it always makes me happy when I am read as female, whether by strangers or by friends.
Entry tags:
Recap
OK, here's what's been happening.
1. I have begun my name change!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1!one Last Friday I met with Drian Juarez at the LA Gay & Lesbian Center and filled out the initial paperwork. The paperwork will be filed in a few weeks. Fortunately it looks like we're poor enough that the court should grant me a fee waiver. I hope my parents' gift doesn't cause them to deny me. But I should be able to start the Fall semester under my real name! EXCITING! SCARY! WOW! :D
2. I bought some Birkenstocks. Not the super-cute and sexy Gizeh I yearn for but the bog-standard Arizona. Not that there's anything wrong with that, but damn it, why can't I have cute shoes? Are you listening, Birkenstock? Women have big feet too!
3. I'm getting boobs! Er, well, that is to say fake ones. I already have a pair of my own, you understand, but their growth appears to have stalled out for the last several months. Since I am pretty much presenting exclusively as female these days I need my breasts to be more obvious so that when I use the ladies' room I'm less likely to be hassled. Besides, I think having larger breasts will increase my overall confidence and raise my self-esteem a bit. Not as much as if I had a full B cup all on my own, you understand, but it's way too early for that.
4. I came out to my student dentists at UCLA to immediate acceptance. As soon as I asked them to use my new name they both did without hesitation. It was very gratifying. And the same thing happened at the bank this morning when I asked what I would need to do following my name change. The woman with whom I spoke was very friendly and helpful and called me Carla without hesitation. WONDERFUL! And then there's the people at SMC's health center. They were great. Everyone's been great! This is also a boost for my self-esteem and confidence, I'll tell you. Acceptance is a beautiful gift these people have given freely, and it speaks volumes about the sort of people they are. I am blessed and terribly lucky.
5. After we came out to Travis's mom, she apparently told her sisters who live in Oregon. Alice and her husband Mike both said something to the effect of, "It's all in their heads." Whatever. It's still better than my sister and brother-in-law, who threatened to call the police if we tried to contact their kids. Feh. But the real champs of this store are aunt Amy and uncle Scott, both of whom were instantly supportive and accepting. They both friended me on Facebook and use my real name and there is NOT ONE IOTA of judgment from them. So, SO wonderful!
6. I also came out to a friend I used to work with, and she, too, was instantly accepting and supportive! I haven't actually seen her in several years, but she works downtown, which is an easy (and free!) bus trip for me, so I'm going to have lunch with her tomorrow. I can't wait to see her again! It's been too long! We keep up via email, but that's not quite the same.
7. I'm making progress toward the orchiectomy. I met with a therapist a few weeks back to discuss letter writing. His approach is to have the patient write her own letter, which he will then endorse. All I will need then is another letter from a professional, and based on what Dr Nguyen's office tells me that letter can be written by any medical professional, which to me says "Doctor Maddie". Now to convince her to write the letter for me. She IS the one who recommended the orchi for me, after all, so she should be able to step up to the plate for me here. If all goes well I might be able to get it done in July or August. Dr Nguyen's office is in Portland, which is a schlep, but it's someplace I've wanted to go anyway, AND since Travis's aunts both live in Oregon we can probably crash there for a couple three days after surgery so I can recover a bit before heading back here.
So things are going well. Really, really well. A little TOO well, actually. I'm still waiting for the other shoe to drop. :)
1. I have begun my name change!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1!one Last Friday I met with Drian Juarez at the LA Gay & Lesbian Center and filled out the initial paperwork. The paperwork will be filed in a few weeks. Fortunately it looks like we're poor enough that the court should grant me a fee waiver. I hope my parents' gift doesn't cause them to deny me. But I should be able to start the Fall semester under my real name! EXCITING! SCARY! WOW! :D
2. I bought some Birkenstocks. Not the super-cute and sexy Gizeh I yearn for but the bog-standard Arizona. Not that there's anything wrong with that, but damn it, why can't I have cute shoes? Are you listening, Birkenstock? Women have big feet too!
3. I'm getting boobs! Er, well, that is to say fake ones. I already have a pair of my own, you understand, but their growth appears to have stalled out for the last several months. Since I am pretty much presenting exclusively as female these days I need my breasts to be more obvious so that when I use the ladies' room I'm less likely to be hassled. Besides, I think having larger breasts will increase my overall confidence and raise my self-esteem a bit. Not as much as if I had a full B cup all on my own, you understand, but it's way too early for that.
4. I came out to my student dentists at UCLA to immediate acceptance. As soon as I asked them to use my new name they both did without hesitation. It was very gratifying. And the same thing happened at the bank this morning when I asked what I would need to do following my name change. The woman with whom I spoke was very friendly and helpful and called me Carla without hesitation. WONDERFUL! And then there's the people at SMC's health center. They were great. Everyone's been great! This is also a boost for my self-esteem and confidence, I'll tell you. Acceptance is a beautiful gift these people have given freely, and it speaks volumes about the sort of people they are. I am blessed and terribly lucky.
5. After we came out to Travis's mom, she apparently told her sisters who live in Oregon. Alice and her husband Mike both said something to the effect of, "It's all in their heads." Whatever. It's still better than my sister and brother-in-law, who threatened to call the police if we tried to contact their kids. Feh. But the real champs of this store are aunt Amy and uncle Scott, both of whom were instantly supportive and accepting. They both friended me on Facebook and use my real name and there is NOT ONE IOTA of judgment from them. So, SO wonderful!
6. I also came out to a friend I used to work with, and she, too, was instantly accepting and supportive! I haven't actually seen her in several years, but she works downtown, which is an easy (and free!) bus trip for me, so I'm going to have lunch with her tomorrow. I can't wait to see her again! It's been too long! We keep up via email, but that's not quite the same.
7. I'm making progress toward the orchiectomy. I met with a therapist a few weeks back to discuss letter writing. His approach is to have the patient write her own letter, which he will then endorse. All I will need then is another letter from a professional, and based on what Dr Nguyen's office tells me that letter can be written by any medical professional, which to me says "Doctor Maddie". Now to convince her to write the letter for me. She IS the one who recommended the orchi for me, after all, so she should be able to step up to the plate for me here. If all goes well I might be able to get it done in July or August. Dr Nguyen's office is in Portland, which is a schlep, but it's someplace I've wanted to go anyway, AND since Travis's aunts both live in Oregon we can probably crash there for a couple three days after surgery so I can recover a bit before heading back here.
So things are going well. Really, really well. A little TOO well, actually. I'm still waiting for the other shoe to drop. :)
40
My friend Doug would have turned forty today. It's hard to believe it's been four months since he was killed. I miss him. It's not fair. It's not right. He was my brother from another mother. It makes me heartsick to know he won't be there to watch his daughter—who he loved more than life itself—grow up and become the intelligent, beautiful, strong, independent woman she is destined to be.
Wherever you are, my dear friend, I hope that you are finally at rest.
Wherever you are, my dear friend, I hope that you are finally at rest.
Arguing with a fool
So tonight we went to see some old friends. People I've not seen in ages. They raise goats (for 4H, I think) and we got to see the current crop of kids who were ADORABLE! My niece and nephew are up for a visit, and they helped feed the kids. It was a good time, despite the "new barn stink". :D
After feeding the babies we went back in to make pizza. We had a really nice time, joking with Patty, her mother Sandy and her partner, Lisa. Now I should state here that I don't *KNOW* that Patty and Lisa are a couple, but things look pretty suspicious. Anyway, during the course of the conversations which took place tonight there was a LOT of gender policing. So much so that I nearly broke down in tears. I had to retreat to the bathroom and sobbed quietly for a few minutes. It was really painful, and for no really good reason, because only a little of it was directed at me and my hair.
So dinner was really good, and I was VERY happy to see Sandy and Patty again (and yes, I think it's hilarious that their names together form a really crappy gospel singer's name) because they're good people and I miss them. We tried to remember the last time I saw everyone and nobody could remember. Mid 90s, I guess.
The worst part of the night though was on the trip home. Dad had been having a religious conversation with Sandy's husband, Jerry, and somehow they got on the topic of Haiti and that asinine urban legend about the "pact with the devil". He told us all about Jerry's "weird" ideas, and how Jerry didn't believe the story. I told him that the story was just an urban legend, and somehow that devolved into an argument about God. Dad's god is a capricious old bastard who apparently metes out "justice" at random for no obvious reason and I'll have no part of him or his religion of hatred. I feel stupid for arguing with him though, because now I'm quite certain that he'll make an issue out of going to church tomorrow. Thing is, I don't really mind going. It won't affect me at all. But if I go? I'll be going with my hair up and my bra on. :) Fuck their conventions. But really, I should have let it lie, because I'm going home in a few days and then their idiocy will be well behind me. But after our argument, the only think I could think of was that old adage: "Never argue with a fool; people may not be able to tell the difference."
After feeding the babies we went back in to make pizza. We had a really nice time, joking with Patty, her mother Sandy and her partner, Lisa. Now I should state here that I don't *KNOW* that Patty and Lisa are a couple, but things look pretty suspicious. Anyway, during the course of the conversations which took place tonight there was a LOT of gender policing. So much so that I nearly broke down in tears. I had to retreat to the bathroom and sobbed quietly for a few minutes. It was really painful, and for no really good reason, because only a little of it was directed at me and my hair.
So dinner was really good, and I was VERY happy to see Sandy and Patty again (and yes, I think it's hilarious that their names together form a really crappy gospel singer's name) because they're good people and I miss them. We tried to remember the last time I saw everyone and nobody could remember. Mid 90s, I guess.
The worst part of the night though was on the trip home. Dad had been having a religious conversation with Sandy's husband, Jerry, and somehow they got on the topic of Haiti and that asinine urban legend about the "pact with the devil". He told us all about Jerry's "weird" ideas, and how Jerry didn't believe the story. I told him that the story was just an urban legend, and somehow that devolved into an argument about God. Dad's god is a capricious old bastard who apparently metes out "justice" at random for no obvious reason and I'll have no part of him or his religion of hatred. I feel stupid for arguing with him though, because now I'm quite certain that he'll make an issue out of going to church tomorrow. Thing is, I don't really mind going. It won't affect me at all. But if I go? I'll be going with my hair up and my bra on. :) Fuck their conventions. But really, I should have let it lie, because I'm going home in a few days and then their idiocy will be well behind me. But after our argument, the only think I could think of was that old adage: "Never argue with a fool; people may not be able to tell the difference."
Entry tags:
Cleansing
My (now formerly) dear friend Mike was here last month for a short-but-too-long visit while his son spent time with his mother. It was good to see him again, but very depressing in a lot of ways. Mike, you see, has never accepted the fact that Travis and I are trans. We go about our lives here referring to one another by the correct names and with the appropriate pronouns. Mike? Ungendered us. Wrong names, wrong pronouns. And once, out in public, on a crowded bus, he tried to do the shaming thing on me, putting my life in danger as he tried to make *ME* feel guilty about HIS discomfort. And when it failed, he sulked like a little child. It was exasperating. This happened a couple times during the week he was with us, and after he left it was as if a huge burden had been lifted. To top it off, he brought a Glenn Beck book into my home!
So while Mike was here, I half-jokingly toldalejandromagno that I’d like him to come and perform a cleansing ritual for our home after Mike was gone. He agreed, and Friday night it came to pass. It was BEAUTIFUL.
He began by asking me about my feelings while Mike was here. I was surprised by how many strong, “negative” feelings Mike stirred in me. I spoke of the ungendering. I talked about my sadness at his rejection. I described the trip to Trader Joe’s on the bus I mentioned above. Then he asked me about what I was thankful for. So many things. Growth. Transition. Reconnection with him. All the beautiful new friends I’ve made over the last six months. The love and acceptance of dear friends. He asked me how that made me feel and the tears started. He asked me to hold that feeling, in all its soul-warming beauty as we walked the house. He lit a white candle for me to carry and also lit a little bit of sage in a bit of crockery and then we walked. Stopped in the dining room to remember something from last month. When we first got the new sofa it was in there. We’d just set up the tree, so Travis and I sat on the new sofa for a while, looking at the tree. It’s our first Christmas AS OURSELVES, and remembering that fills me with joy. We moved on to the kitchen, and stopped there to think of all the wonderful memories it holds, and to give thanks for good memories yet to be formed. We visited each room in turn, stopping to remember good times or to dispel accumulated darkness. Here in the computer room I stopped to give Travis a hug and a kiss. We returned to the front room and sat on the sofa, where Mike had slept, and let the candle burn there the longest, because that’s where his darkness and negativity had been concentrated that week.
Alexander then asked me to say a few words, whatever was in my heart. I spoke of my sorrow that Mike was so immature and how worried I was that he might never grow. I prayed he would learn to think, learn to question his assumptions, that he would escape his old prejudices. Because as much as he hurt us, I love him. I miss our friendship and camaraderie. I miss the days when we could talk for hours about Macs or Japan or Babylon 5 or just WHATEVER, because that meant a lot to me. But now his attitude toward me has changed, and I feel this tension. He wants ME to stop being ME just for the sake of his comfort and happiness. I also prayed that my parents would be able to accept their daughter. I love them so much. I would be devastated if they cut me off. I would survive, but if I lost them like this… If they died, that would be hard enough, but at least then I’d know my loss was final and that there would be no recourse. But to lose them simply because of who and what I am? Would kill me, a little, I think. Being trans has already brought me a lot of pain. Alexander tells me I can’t help being what I am, and I know he’s right, but to lose my parents over it? So I prayed for their love and acceptance. And lastly I prayed to give thanks for the fact that I could do all this and take it seriously. I was completely there, wholly in the moment. There was no sensation of the passage of time, just of warmth and beauty and light and then we were finished. Alexander said a Jewish blessing for new homes and then that was it.
So how did it all feel? Well, if my words above didn’t make it clear, it felt so wonderful. A moment of the sacred and divine here in my home. It’s been a few days and I still feel the light and warmth I did that night. Our house, our home, is clean, and I am happy. This will be the last time I see Mike for a very long time. I don’t need to put myself in harm’s way, and I certainly don’t need an abusive friend. When he’s learned how to get past his selfishness, and can call us Travis and Carla without that look of revulsion in his eye, then he’ll be welcome here again.
So while Mike was here, I half-jokingly told
alejandromagno that I’d like him to come and perform a cleansing ritual for our home after Mike was gone. He agreed, and Friday night it came to pass. It was BEAUTIFUL.He began by asking me about my feelings while Mike was here. I was surprised by how many strong, “negative” feelings Mike stirred in me. I spoke of the ungendering. I talked about my sadness at his rejection. I described the trip to Trader Joe’s on the bus I mentioned above. Then he asked me about what I was thankful for. So many things. Growth. Transition. Reconnection with him. All the beautiful new friends I’ve made over the last six months. The love and acceptance of dear friends. He asked me how that made me feel and the tears started. He asked me to hold that feeling, in all its soul-warming beauty as we walked the house. He lit a white candle for me to carry and also lit a little bit of sage in a bit of crockery and then we walked. Stopped in the dining room to remember something from last month. When we first got the new sofa it was in there. We’d just set up the tree, so Travis and I sat on the new sofa for a while, looking at the tree. It’s our first Christmas AS OURSELVES, and remembering that fills me with joy. We moved on to the kitchen, and stopped there to think of all the wonderful memories it holds, and to give thanks for good memories yet to be formed. We visited each room in turn, stopping to remember good times or to dispel accumulated darkness. Here in the computer room I stopped to give Travis a hug and a kiss. We returned to the front room and sat on the sofa, where Mike had slept, and let the candle burn there the longest, because that’s where his darkness and negativity had been concentrated that week.
Alexander then asked me to say a few words, whatever was in my heart. I spoke of my sorrow that Mike was so immature and how worried I was that he might never grow. I prayed he would learn to think, learn to question his assumptions, that he would escape his old prejudices. Because as much as he hurt us, I love him. I miss our friendship and camaraderie. I miss the days when we could talk for hours about Macs or Japan or Babylon 5 or just WHATEVER, because that meant a lot to me. But now his attitude toward me has changed, and I feel this tension. He wants ME to stop being ME just for the sake of his comfort and happiness. I also prayed that my parents would be able to accept their daughter. I love them so much. I would be devastated if they cut me off. I would survive, but if I lost them like this… If they died, that would be hard enough, but at least then I’d know my loss was final and that there would be no recourse. But to lose them simply because of who and what I am? Would kill me, a little, I think. Being trans has already brought me a lot of pain. Alexander tells me I can’t help being what I am, and I know he’s right, but to lose my parents over it? So I prayed for their love and acceptance. And lastly I prayed to give thanks for the fact that I could do all this and take it seriously. I was completely there, wholly in the moment. There was no sensation of the passage of time, just of warmth and beauty and light and then we were finished. Alexander said a Jewish blessing for new homes and then that was it.
So how did it all feel? Well, if my words above didn’t make it clear, it felt so wonderful. A moment of the sacred and divine here in my home. It’s been a few days and I still feel the light and warmth I did that night. Our house, our home, is clean, and I am happy. This will be the last time I see Mike for a very long time. I don’t need to put myself in harm’s way, and I certainly don’t need an abusive friend. When he’s learned how to get past his selfishness, and can call us Travis and Carla without that look of revulsion in his eye, then he’ll be welcome here again.
RIP Douglas Eugene Boucher 1970-2009
Last night at 11:15 in Mason, Ohio, my friend Doug was murdered by a police officer. Well, you say, he must have been breaking the law, right? Throwing puppies into traffic, or threatening to shoot a nun, right? Wrong. He was hitting on the clerk of a gas station. That's right. The girl called the police. The police came, gave him grief and he hit one of them. A crime, yes, but not one worthy of the death penalty. The cop's partner drew his taser and murdered Doug with it. Oh, the autopsy report will say he was drunk or that his heart was too weak or something like that. It won't be the taser, and it will NEVER be the cop's fault. The blame will always be laid on Doug. And that pisses me off.
I hope Doug wouldn't be too upset with me if I give him a serious send-off. There will be time for laughter later, because I know he'd want us to not spend too much time on sorrow and anguish. But right now I don't think I'm ready to laugh. I keep thinking of the jokes we'd tell each other, the funny stuff we'd do, the… But I can't laugh yet. Soon I will, but not now.
I first met Doug about twenty years ago. He was playing bass in his church's band, and after the service we wound up talking to one another. I'm not sure how or why we were drawn together, but we had an instant rapport, a kinship of some sort. We found, I think, in one another a common spirit that would bind us together for the next twenty years.
Though our lives would take us in radically different directions, we remained friends.
When I first met him, Doug was a conservative Christian. So was I. We both grew out of that, though it took me longer. At the time of his death, he was a fairly liberal atheist. In some ways, Doug and I were like brothers (if one of the brothers was actually a woman, that is) and not even 2,000 miles of separation could end that.
What is most galling to me — apart from the fact his daughter has lost her father and I've lost a friend — is that Doug was an amazing writer, and his gift has been extinguished. Doug's gift was entirely natural, but he was heavily influenced by Hunter S. Thompson. His words flowed with an elegance and grace which should have lead him to a career as an author. He was also a gifted musician. I won't lie and tell you his voice was wonderful, but he was still a good singer.
Doug never finished college, a fact which caused him some hardship. But though he struggled to pay the bills or to simply feed himself, he never gave in, and he never compromised. He worked as much as he could doing what he could to support his daughter, who was the center of his universe.
Doug was an amazingly generous and giving person. He was completely without ego. He did not judge. When I came out to him he said, "You're going to get a lot of shit from some people, but not from me." And blue jokes (which have always been a hallmark of our friendship) aside, he never did. He accepted me as a woman, and that meant so much. I guess I can't really say that to his family.
Doug was a wonderful, beautiful man. This world is much darker without his light in it. Resquiat in pace, whorebag. (OK, a tiny bit of laughter now, maybe.)
I hope Doug wouldn't be too upset with me if I give him a serious send-off. There will be time for laughter later, because I know he'd want us to not spend too much time on sorrow and anguish. But right now I don't think I'm ready to laugh. I keep thinking of the jokes we'd tell each other, the funny stuff we'd do, the… But I can't laugh yet. Soon I will, but not now.
I first met Doug about twenty years ago. He was playing bass in his church's band, and after the service we wound up talking to one another. I'm not sure how or why we were drawn together, but we had an instant rapport, a kinship of some sort. We found, I think, in one another a common spirit that would bind us together for the next twenty years.
Though our lives would take us in radically different directions, we remained friends.
When I first met him, Doug was a conservative Christian. So was I. We both grew out of that, though it took me longer. At the time of his death, he was a fairly liberal atheist. In some ways, Doug and I were like brothers (if one of the brothers was actually a woman, that is) and not even 2,000 miles of separation could end that.
What is most galling to me — apart from the fact his daughter has lost her father and I've lost a friend — is that Doug was an amazing writer, and his gift has been extinguished. Doug's gift was entirely natural, but he was heavily influenced by Hunter S. Thompson. His words flowed with an elegance and grace which should have lead him to a career as an author. He was also a gifted musician. I won't lie and tell you his voice was wonderful, but he was still a good singer.
Doug never finished college, a fact which caused him some hardship. But though he struggled to pay the bills or to simply feed himself, he never gave in, and he never compromised. He worked as much as he could doing what he could to support his daughter, who was the center of his universe.
Doug was an amazingly generous and giving person. He was completely without ego. He did not judge. When I came out to him he said, "You're going to get a lot of shit from some people, but not from me." And blue jokes (which have always been a hallmark of our friendship) aside, he never did. He accepted me as a woman, and that meant so much. I guess I can't really say that to his family.
Doug was a wonderful, beautiful man. This world is much darker without his light in it. Resquiat in pace, whorebag. (OK, a tiny bit of laughter now, maybe.)
Entry tags:
Life of the party
One really excellent side-effect of transition is increased self-confidence. Last night I saw this in action. Alexander hosted a party for GLU and invited Travis and me to come. Travis couldn't go, because it would mean too much time away from work and other commitments, but I went. I had a wonderful time. I talked to people. I "mingled" as it were. I didn't get all thick-tongued and bashful like I used to. I laughed and joked and was totally there as an active participant. It felt good!
Another guest is a friend of Alexander's from way back in junior high. She and Travis were friends too, up until our break with Alexander in 2001, so she knew us, but under our old names. She asked us to do an introduction because there were faces there she didn't know, and when I introduced myself as Carla she seemed a bit surprised. I explained where she knew me from and that Travis and I are both trans and she just took it in stride. She called me Carla the rest of the night, and referred to Travis as Travis, too. It was wonderful to be accepted so quickly and easily.
Plus I made pumpkin tortilla soup and a pumpkin pie for the party and they were both very popular. :)
So all-in-all, an excellent night for me.
Another guest is a friend of Alexander's from way back in junior high. She and Travis were friends too, up until our break with Alexander in 2001, so she knew us, but under our old names. She asked us to do an introduction because there were faces there she didn't know, and when I introduced myself as Carla she seemed a bit surprised. I explained where she knew me from and that Travis and I are both trans and she just took it in stride. She called me Carla the rest of the night, and referred to Travis as Travis, too. It was wonderful to be accepted so quickly and easily.
Plus I made pumpkin tortilla soup and a pumpkin pie for the party and they were both very popular. :)
So all-in-all, an excellent night for me.
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Joy shared
Today we went out to Malibu Lagoon with Erin and had a lovely time. There are pictures here if you'd like to see. On our way home I asked Erin what she'd thought when Travis told her about Alexander. She said she was fine with it, was not down on it at all. "That's good to hear," I replied, "Because we're trans too." And oh the relief, the JOY of hearing her accept us and not judge or reject or condemn...it was the sweetest thing you can imagine multiplied a thousand fold. She was grateful to us for sharing this with her. I'm grateful to her for being so open and accepting.
We were both nervous about outing ourselves to her because she's one of Travis's oldest friends and someone whose friendship we treasure even if we don't see her that often. Her rejection would have been very painful. It would also have made for an awkward few days if she'd been upset by it.
It's all been made better by my friends on Twitter whose encouragement and support have been rewarded with this wonderful news. Joy shared is joy multiplied, and there are a lot of joyful people out there in Twitterland today, but none moreso than we. :)
We were both nervous about outing ourselves to her because she's one of Travis's oldest friends and someone whose friendship we treasure even if we don't see her that often. Her rejection would have been very painful. It would also have made for an awkward few days if she'd been upset by it.
It's all been made better by my friends on Twitter whose encouragement and support have been rewarded with this wonderful news. Joy shared is joy multiplied, and there are a lot of joyful people out there in Twitterland today, but none moreso than we. :)
OK, crisis averted
Talked to Mom tonight and after telling her what gelasius said about his parents coming to get me at the airport and us staying at their house instead of going to the Evil South Side (dun-dun-duuuunnnnnnnnnnn!) she has relented and is now OK with me going to Chicago.
Yay.
Also,gelasius sounds so cute on the phone! No, I'm not going to stop saying this! Your voice is awesome! I think it's wonderful! :)
gelasius said about his parents coming to get me at the airport and us staying at their house instead of going to the Evil South Side (dun-dun-duuuunnnnnnnnnnn!) she has relented and is now OK with me going to Chicago.Yay.
Also,
gelasius sounds so cute on the phone! No, I'm not going to stop saying this! Your voice is awesome! I think it's wonderful! :)If, then, else
OK, I'm a little miffed at my parents right now. I spoke with Mom this morning. The purpose for my call was to find out if they'd be around in January, what days worked for them, etc. So the conversation turned to Chicago and my new plan to fly into Chicago and fly back out of Indianapolis. It's a little number that goes like this:
Fly into Chicago. Meetgelasius at O'Hare, go back to his place, go out, have fun, come home, sleep, etc. Next day I hop on a bus to Ogilvy Station, get on the train to Harvard and woo-woo, I'm off. Uncle John meets me in Harvard, we drive up to Beloit. Spend a couple days there, then we head off to Huntington. I spend my time there with the folks, seeing friends, etc and then, the night before I fly, we head to Indianapolis and meet my sister somewhere for dinner. They trade me to her, go home, I go back to her place and then the next day get on the plane back home. Travis picks me up with his mom or I take the #3 bus home. Easy peasey, lemon squeezy. Right? Wrong.
As soon as Mom heard wheregelasius lives my neat idea became too complicated. It's a horrible neighborhood, she said. A BLACK neighborhood, don't you know. *sigh* Suddenly Chicago, which was too much trouble for them to drive into before is now a walk in the park. Mom's "less complicated" solution? We'd drive to Beloit, stopping in Chicago for a few hours. I'd get to meet gelasius and then they could go meet some friends of theirs from the old days. Yep, gotta synchronise all those schedules and drive INTO Chicago. Sounds like a piece of cake, huh? All because of Mom's over-developed sense of stranger danger. Yay!
So I talked togelasius and he assured me that he was planning to meet me at the airport. When I asked if he had a car, he said he did not, but that his parents - who live close to O'Hare - DO and that he could arrange to meet me with them. It's all very simple, and it's all very safe, so I called Mom again to let her know all this, but she's still at the physical therapy center, so I told Dad instead. He wasn't as immediately negative about the idea, but he also had reservations about the south side. They're old and conservative and have very set ideas about safety. And if I were just out walking the streets at night like an idiot I'd probably deserve anything bad that happened to me. But that's not what's happening.
The thing of it is, they're paying for this ticket, so if Mom puts her foot down, that's it. I'm trying to show her this is safe and what I REALLY want to do. Dad's going to tell her what I told him and then call me later, after yoga. I'll keep my mental fingers crossed that this will put her at ease and she'll relax. If not...well...gelasius, is there a day that works for getting together for lunch after the 13th?
Fly into Chicago. Meet
gelasius at O'Hare, go back to his place, go out, have fun, come home, sleep, etc. Next day I hop on a bus to Ogilvy Station, get on the train to Harvard and woo-woo, I'm off. Uncle John meets me in Harvard, we drive up to Beloit. Spend a couple days there, then we head off to Huntington. I spend my time there with the folks, seeing friends, etc and then, the night before I fly, we head to Indianapolis and meet my sister somewhere for dinner. They trade me to her, go home, I go back to her place and then the next day get on the plane back home. Travis picks me up with his mom or I take the #3 bus home. Easy peasey, lemon squeezy. Right? Wrong.As soon as Mom heard where
gelasius lives my neat idea became too complicated. It's a horrible neighborhood, she said. A BLACK neighborhood, don't you know. *sigh* Suddenly Chicago, which was too much trouble for them to drive into before is now a walk in the park. Mom's "less complicated" solution? We'd drive to Beloit, stopping in Chicago for a few hours. I'd get to meet gelasius and then they could go meet some friends of theirs from the old days. Yep, gotta synchronise all those schedules and drive INTO Chicago. Sounds like a piece of cake, huh? All because of Mom's over-developed sense of stranger danger. Yay!So I talked to
gelasius and he assured me that he was planning to meet me at the airport. When I asked if he had a car, he said he did not, but that his parents - who live close to O'Hare - DO and that he could arrange to meet me with them. It's all very simple, and it's all very safe, so I called Mom again to let her know all this, but she's still at the physical therapy center, so I told Dad instead. He wasn't as immediately negative about the idea, but he also had reservations about the south side. They're old and conservative and have very set ideas about safety. And if I were just out walking the streets at night like an idiot I'd probably deserve anything bad that happened to me. But that's not what's happening.The thing of it is, they're paying for this ticket, so if Mom puts her foot down, that's it. I'm trying to show her this is safe and what I REALLY want to do. Dad's going to tell her what I told him and then call me later, after yoga. I'll keep my mental fingers crossed that this will put her at ease and she'll relax. If not...well...
gelasius, is there a day that works for getting together for lunch after the 13th?
Entry tags:
Carla's big day out
Alexander picked me up at 10:30. We drove back to his place, dropped off his car and walked the few blocks back up to Wilshire, then down to Normandie. The station is underground, and unless you knew what you were looking for you might miss it.
( Carla's awesome train adventure with six awesome guys! )
It's been a long, exhausting day and I had SO much fun. I love Chaps and Paul and everyone. They're so welcoming and so friendly. Wonderful boys. It looks like we're going karaoke with them next weekend. Maybe we'll take the train to Little Tokyo! Why the heck not? :D
( Carla's awesome train adventure with six awesome guys! )
It's been a long, exhausting day and I had SO much fun. I love Chaps and Paul and everyone. They're so welcoming and so friendly. Wonderful boys. It looks like we're going karaoke with them next weekend. Maybe we'll take the train to Little Tokyo! Why the heck not? :D
A full day
I had a wonderful time today riding the rails with Alexander and a bunch of guys from GLU. Awe. Some. They're all so sweet and accepting. ANYHOO! I'll write about that tomorrow when I have more energy, because it's a long story. Right now I want to talk about Chicago (yes, AGAIN).
I got a call from my aunt saying they can definitely pick me up in Chicago (or, as I had indicated, at the train station). Which means JetBlue from Long Beach to O'Hare is ON, baby! Yeah! I am SOOOO excited about this you just don't know. I'mma meetgelasius AND take a train! *GLEE* Can. Not. Wait!
I got a call from my aunt saying they can definitely pick me up in Chicago (or, as I had indicated, at the train station). Which means JetBlue from Long Beach to O'Hare is ON, baby! Yeah! I am SOOOO excited about this you just don't know. I'mma meet
gelasius AND take a train! *GLEE* Can. Not. Wait!Wherever I may roam
Well, it looks as if Travis isn't interested in travelling this January, so I'll be going on my own, wherever I go. I'd much rather fly into Chicago because hey, JetBlue pretty much rocks my tiny world and Air Tran does not. My one flight with JetBlue was thoroughly awesome, and my multiple flights with Air Tran were...um...only barely tolerable. So...yeah. Chicago is my destination of choice. gelasius has generously offered his couch to me, so I'd be able to crash there then carry on by train (❤❤❤!) to Woodstock, yadda, yadda, yadda.
I think this should work out quite well. My aunt and uncle will want to come to see me anyway, schedule permitting, so they'll have to make the trip to Huntington anyway. Everybody's happy. Except for my sister who, if she wants to see her sister, will have to make the schlep from Indy to Huntington. Poor soul. I'm almost sorry for her. :D
Wow. I just realised - she doesn't even KNOW she has a sister. Wonder how she'll take it? And no, I don't think I'll be taking this opportunity to out myself to my family. I think that'll hold 'til next summer. :)
gelasius has generously offered his couch to me, so I'd be able to crash there then carry on by train (❤❤❤!) to Woodstock, yadda, yadda, yadda.I think this should work out quite well. My aunt and uncle will want to come to see me anyway, schedule permitting, so they'll have to make the trip to Huntington anyway. Everybody's happy. Except for my sister who, if she wants to see her sister, will have to make the schlep from Indy to Huntington. Poor soul. I'm almost sorry for her. :D
Wow. I just realised - she doesn't even KNOW she has a sister. Wonder how she'll take it? And no, I don't think I'll be taking this opportunity to out myself to my family. I think that'll hold 'til next summer. :)
Travel
OK, just got of the phone with Mom a little while ago. She asked if I was still interested in visiting in January (which, um, HELLO? Yes, totally!) and said that if I was they could help with my ticket. FINALLY they ask this. I've been hinting for months, my aunt has been hinting...agh! My dad is so tight with money you'd think he was skint, but he's got plenty of money from saving up over the course of his life. No, he just doesn't want to spend any of it. Which...I guess old habits die hard, but Dad, you've worked hard earning all that money. Why would you want to approach the final years of your life and not SPEND some of it on yourself? I don't understand that.
ANYWAY, getting sidetracked by ranting about Dad. Gotta stop that. So there are two options here. One is I (or we, if Travis decides to come along) could fly into Chicago, meetgelasius and then take the train to Woodstock, IL where my uncle or cousin could pick me up and drive back to Beloit. Then after a couple days we drive to Huntington, I see mom and dad, sister and spawnlings and then head back to Chicago to return home. Not bad, but it really depends on what my aunt and uncle are doing in January, and whether gelasius feels up to company in January, etc.
Option two involves flying into Indianapolis to be picked up by the aforementioned sister and her spawnlings, then driving to meet my parents somewhere between Indy and Huntington. Chicago would probably be out unless we rent a car (I would not rent a car on my own in the Wintertime...I'm freaked out enough about driving in good weather - Bob only knows what kind of weather I'd be facing in January) which should be doable, I think.
I want to talk to Travis about all of this, and see what he thinks. If the 'rents are willing to pony up half the ticket (or more, please?) then there's no reason I can't go see the family in January and then feel less guilty about going back again in the summer and spending less time with them and more with friends.
ANYWAY, getting sidetracked by ranting about Dad. Gotta stop that. So there are two options here. One is I (or we, if Travis decides to come along) could fly into Chicago, meet
gelasius and then take the train to Woodstock, IL where my uncle or cousin could pick me up and drive back to Beloit. Then after a couple days we drive to Huntington, I see mom and dad, sister and spawnlings and then head back to Chicago to return home. Not bad, but it really depends on what my aunt and uncle are doing in January, and whether gelasius feels up to company in January, etc.Option two involves flying into Indianapolis to be picked up by the aforementioned sister and her spawnlings, then driving to meet my parents somewhere between Indy and Huntington. Chicago would probably be out unless we rent a car (I would not rent a car on my own in the Wintertime...I'm freaked out enough about driving in good weather - Bob only knows what kind of weather I'd be facing in January) which should be doable, I think.
I want to talk to Travis about all of this, and see what he thinks. If the 'rents are willing to pony up half the ticket (or more, please?) then there's no reason I can't go see the family in January and then feel less guilty about going back again in the summer and spending less time with them and more with friends.