Alien Girlybrain

Today's been a pretty good day. I seem to be getting sick, though, which is aggravating.

I dreamt last night of being back in Indiana with my folks and that I'd detransitioned before the visit, and everyone was happy about it (including me). People seemed more at ease and relaxed around me. I suppose given how much my gender identity is weighing on me lately it's not terribly surprising.

One thing I keep hearing at Transgender Perceptions from various people is how much happier they are now that they're "living authentically", by which they obviously mean living openly as women or men. And I can't remember being happy about being read as female in a long time. I don't know exactly what it means to "live authentically". I feel like I'm in drag every time I put on an article of women's clothing. I still feel like a huge phony. I'm just a phony in a skirt now. So I keep thinking about detransitioning. I'm nervous about doing it because I'm worried about pushback from friends and giving my sister "ha ha told you so" ammunition (and I know she'll make a big deal out of it). And, naturally, I'm worried that detransitioning won't make me any happier than transition has made me (which is to say, not at all).

I feel like the perfect body for me would be one devoid of any secondary sexual characteristics, wholly sexless/genderless. Good luck making THAT happen, of course. I'm pretty sure most doctors would want to have me committed if I told them that. Hell, I've gotten negative reactions from other trans people when I've talked about it. So that's encouraging, huh?

I hate gender and all the crap that comes with it.

So this was not really a happy post but what are you going to do? At least I'm not horribly depressed, right? :)

So let's see. Today has been mostly really good. We went to the bank(s) on some errands. Then we came home and I roasted a couple chicken breasts and a bunch of garlic for tonight's dinner: Cheesy Chicken Enchilada Casserole. We've long since stopped making it by rolling up each tortilla with some of the chicken stuffing. Instead, we layer the tortillas, sauce and chicken to make what I call an "enchiladasagna". :) Whatever you call it, it's DAMN tasty. I need to update and revise that recipe, since I've started adding chopped roasted garlic to the sauce mixture.

Unfortunately, while we were in the middle of making dinner I got hit with a pretty awful depressive episode. I'm mostly OK now but I'm still a little shaky. It's upsetting to have such a good day and then experience a crash, but sadly that's how it happens a lot of the time.

Also happy-making today was the fact that it's Comic Book Day. Wednesdays are pretty awesome because not only is Travis home, but I get my new comics. :) I'm a little sad that Dark Horse's fairly excellent Star Wars series is coming to an end, because it was getting pretty damn good, but I'm hopeful that Marvel will treat it well. Better than it did back in the 70s and 80s, anyway. And that they avoid Kevin J Anderson (no relation thank you JEEBUS) like the plague. Seriously, do NOT let that man anywhere NEAR Star Wars again, Marvel.

Also listened to a beautiful album by one of John Zorn's many, many project groups, The Dreamers. If you're not familiar with his work, Zorn is a brilliant and frequently challenging composer whose work cannot be easily classified. Acid jazz pops up alongside thrash metal and lounge music. The Dreamers is vaguely lounge-ish jazz and is one of my favourites of his recent work. If you'd care to give it a listen, you can get it here.

One thing I've discovered over the last few days is that people who don't suffer from depression frequently have no idea just how awful it can be. I've read many thoughtless comments about Robin Williams's death, including many heartless comments by nominal "Christians" who think being depressed is a moral failing. The level of ignorance is staggering. I've encountered it from my own family. If you want to know the single most important thing you can do to help your loved ones cope with this terrible illness, it's this: tell them—FREQUENTLY—that you love them and that you've got their back. We convince ourselves—FAR too easily—that you don't really love us, that we're a burden to you. Listen to us. Talk to us. Let us know you're there for us and then BE THERE FOR US. And please, PLEASE be patient with us. Don't get exasperated with us for thinking you hate us. We know you really don't, but that's not how it feels a lot of the time. I spend half my time convincing myself that my friends and family don't secretly hate me (which makes me feel worse for doubting them).

Continuing (for now) my attempt to make myself believe that I’m a decent person in spite of every horrible thing I ever did (and I should probably refrain from phrasing it that way if I mean to succeed in this endeavour), I’m back with another affirmation.

Today’s is less directly about me and involves the people around me. They seem to genuinely care for and about me and my well-being—physical, emotional and mental. They wouldn’t waste their energies on someone undeserving, would they? Maybe they don’t know everything about me, that is, everything I’ve ever done, but surely they see in me TODAY qualities deserving of love? So other people think the person I am today is a good and decent person, and it hurts them to see me hurting.

A few good things happened today. First, we went to see Guardians of the Galaxy. Then we walked home and Travis made a delicious dinner and we watched a couple episodes of The Simpsons. We’re into season 12 now and hoo BOY are there some great episodes there, and some great lines. “It’s a hamster ball! Just like the one that saved Ezekiel!” XD

Tonight is the so-called “super moon” and despite some early cloud cover, I was able to see it. It’s… well… it’s a full moon. I’ve seen the full moon hundreds of times, and I’ll never get tired of it, but I didn’t think there was anything especially different about tonight’s. It’s supposed to be slightly larger? Of course all the easily-debunked-by-reading-Snopes blather about it being the size of your palm and other such nonsense isn’t true. If the moon were THAT large, we’d be in some deep doodoo. The gravitational shear would wreak havoc. Earthquakes, tsunami, dogs and cats living together, mass hysteria!

But it’s nice to see the moon. :)

In addition to the so-called “super moon” tonight’s the start of the Perseid meteor shower, which will last the next few days, peaking probably right after I go to bed tomorrow night. When the sky cleared, I was actually able to see a meteor! I’ll be going back out again in a little while to see if I can see any more. I’m hopeful. I never get to see meteor showers anymore. I haven’t seen one since… 2001? 2002? It’s been a very long time. Inevitably the skies are 100% clouded over and if they clear, it’s long after I’ve given up and gone to bed. So tonight’s a pretty big deal for me.

I don’t want to spoil GotG for anyone who’s not yet seen it, but I’m going to assume if you’re reading this, you’ve probably already seen the fillum. Oh, what the heck, have a cut tag. ( Potential spoilers here! )

Yesterday I was at a very, VERY low ebb. I was feeling sad and lonely all day. And Travis, dear, sweet Travis, needs to sleep SOMETIMES and on his schedule that usually means he's asleep when I'm awake and vice versa, with some overlap in between.

So I was alone and feeling pretty worthless to boot. When he woke, I almost didn't want to let Travis go. So I was feeling a bit better.

After dinner we walked up to Rite-Aid so I could look at canes. I've been having a lot of heel pain lately and sometimes it's hard to walk. And because I'm so often limping because of the heel pain in my left foot, my left knee has started to act up again. Whee. So, a cane. It might help a bit. Makes me feel an old fool for letting myself get into this state, but what can I do? While we were at the store, we saw cake mix on sale and thought it would be a nice treat, but there was a huge queue at the register (and only one checker), so we decided to leave it, and walked back home.

I thought nothing more of cake and went to sleep. This morning after I woke, Travis surprised me with a cake he'd baked from scratch! It's a layer cake, too, with homemade chocolate buttercream frosting! <3 He made a Mexican Chocolate cake, and it's very yummy. If you'd like to make it too, click here for the recipe. I highly recommend it. I'm tempted to go have another piece now, but I should probably eat something more substantial. :)

It was so sweet and thoughtful! <3 I love him so much!

You'll be getting a twofer today, since I went and forgot to post this yesterday. I'm backdating it to yesterday just for my own anal-retentiveness's sake though.

( Day three: A song that makes you happy )

I have my tickets to Portland for the orchiectomy. Hold me?

Last night in therapy, C. asked me if I was excited about my orchi. I've thought about this a bit so I was able to answer quickly that I wasn't. I'm a bit nervous, and I'm VERY happy about it, but excited? No. I'm definitely HAPPY about it, because after 33-ish years of testosterone HELL I am about to be liberated. T has left its mark on me, and it's one which not even surgery could erase, but estrogen is relieving a lot of the pain I've felt. But rather than be excited about surgery, I'm really rather sanguine about it. And this isn't the first time something which anyone might assume would be exciting has just left me flat. I felt about the same when I started hormones, and when I saw Dr Maddie for the first time. It's all been GOOD for me, and it's all made me terribly happy, but excited? Not so much. It's all felt like stuff I needed to do. OK, let's get this done and move on to the next step.

I kind of wish I WERE getting excited about this stuff, you know? I almost feel like there's something wrong with me. But I guess there's no point getting worked up over it. I'm happy, and that's enough for me. C.'s parting instruction—my homework for the week, she told me—was to hold on to that happiness as much as possible during the week and to use it to boost my spirits if ever I were feeling low. Not a problem. :)

My (now formerly) dear friend Mike was here last month for a short-but-too-long visit while his son spent time with his mother. It was good to see him again, but very depressing in a lot of ways. Mike, you see, has never accepted the fact that Travis and I are trans. We go about our lives here referring to one another by the correct names and with the appropriate pronouns. Mike? Ungendered us. Wrong names, wrong pronouns. And once, out in public, on a crowded bus, he tried to do the shaming thing on me, putting my life in danger as he tried to make *ME* feel guilty about HIS discomfort. And when it failed, he sulked like a little child. It was exasperating. This happened a couple times during the week he was with us, and after he left it was as if a huge burden had been lifted. To top it off, he brought a Glenn Beck book into my home!

So while Mike was here, I half-jokingly told alejandromagno that I’d like him to come and perform a cleansing ritual for our home after Mike was gone. He agreed, and Friday night it came to pass. It was BEAUTIFUL.

He began by asking me about my feelings while Mike was here. I was surprised by how many strong, “negative” feelings Mike stirred in me. I spoke of the ungendering. I talked about my sadness at his rejection. I described the trip to Trader Joe’s on the bus I mentioned above. Then he asked me about what I was thankful for. So many things. Growth. Transition. Reconnection with him. All the beautiful new friends I’ve made over the last six months. The love and acceptance of dear friends. He asked me how that made me feel and the tears started. He asked me to hold that feeling, in all its soul-warming beauty as we walked the house. He lit a white candle for me to carry and also lit a little bit of sage in a bit of crockery and then we walked. Stopped in the dining room to remember something from last month. When we first got the new sofa it was in there. We’d just set up the tree, so Travis and I sat on the new sofa for a while, looking at the tree. It’s our first Christmas AS OURSELVES, and remembering that fills me with joy. We moved on to the kitchen, and stopped there to think of all the wonderful memories it holds, and to give thanks for good memories yet to be formed. We visited each room in turn, stopping to remember good times or to dispel accumulated darkness. Here in the computer room I stopped to give Travis a hug and a kiss. We returned to the front room and sat on the sofa, where Mike had slept, and let the candle burn there the longest, because that’s where his darkness and negativity had been concentrated that week.

Alexander then asked me to say a few words, whatever was in my heart. I spoke of my sorrow that Mike was so immature and how worried I was that he might never grow. I prayed he would learn to think, learn to question his assumptions, that he would escape his old prejudices. Because as much as he hurt us, I love him. I miss our friendship and camaraderie. I miss the days when we could talk for hours about Macs or Japan or Babylon 5 or just WHATEVER, because that meant a lot to me. But now his attitude toward me has changed, and I feel this tension. He wants ME to stop being ME just for the sake of his comfort and happiness. I also prayed that my parents would be able to accept their daughter. I love them so much. I would be devastated if they cut me off. I would survive, but if I lost them like this… If they died, that would be hard enough, but at least then I’d know my loss was final and that there would be no recourse. But to lose them simply because of who and what I am? Would kill me, a little, I think. Being trans has already brought me a lot of pain. Alexander tells me I can’t help being what I am, and I know he’s right, but to lose my parents over it? So I prayed for their love and acceptance. And lastly I prayed to give thanks for the fact that I could do all this and take it seriously. I was completely there, wholly in the moment. There was no sensation of the passage of time, just of warmth and beauty and light and then we were finished. Alexander said a Jewish blessing for new homes and then that was it.

So how did it all feel? Well, if my words above didn’t make it clear, it felt so wonderful. A moment of the sacred and divine here in my home. It’s been a few days and I still feel the light and warmth I did that night. Our house, our home, is clean, and I am happy. This will be the last time I see Mike for a very long time. I don’t need to put myself in harm’s way, and I certainly don’t need an abusive friend. When he’s learned how to get past his selfishness, and can call us Travis and Carla without that look of revulsion in his eye, then he’ll be welcome here again.

Some very, very kind, sweet and generous person bought me a LiveJournal rename token. Whoever you are, I am very grateful. It isn't that "bwanderson" isn't feminine (though clearly, it's not - it's so utilitarian, chosen back when I was uninterested in an expressive username); it's that it it's not who I am anymore. I am Carla, very much so, hence the new name - verycarla.

Whoever you are, wherever you are, if I find out who you are I promise you that I will hunt you down and give you the biggest hug you have EVER gotten! Thank you so much! I'm so happy right now it's leaking out of my eyes. :)

Having been tagged by the merciless kakeochi_umai, I have no choice but to post ten things which have made me happy recently. I am then supposed to tag ten other people, except the thing here is I don’t think I KNOW ten people TOTAL, anywhere, in all of creation. Well, that’s a big of an exaggeration. Suffice to say if you haven’t done this and you’re reading this post you are invited to play along.

So in no particular order, but numbered to keep things clean here are the top ten things to make me happy lately. Please note that many of them are music-related, and two are political. Learn to cope.

10. Simon & Garfunkle’s rendition of Go Tell It on the Mountain from their first album, Wednesday Morning, 3 A.M.

9. Kimura Kaela’s newest single, Jasper. It’s really catchy and she looks so cute while she’s performing it. I love that little dance. Makes me wanna dance. Except my knees wouldn’t stand for it. :(

8. Ohguro Maki’s new album and it’s goooooood! Yay!

7. Decluttering online. Even if I haven’t made much of a break yet I’m making baby steps. Why just today I sat and read for an hour! Amazing! ;)

6. Finding a small stash of Brach’s Christmas Nougats in the bedroom. These are seriously like my favourite winter candy. Soft and minty... And now they have them for Valentine’s day! w00t! I’d taken a small handful in to eat while watching videos and I guess I just forgot them. They were sitting on the bookshelf by the bed under a piece of paper, so it’s not hard to see a) how often we clean and b) how they’d get lost. :)

5. That taco/chili stuff I’ve been making! It’s seriously good! I’ve been eating it with salad and with hot dogs (who doesn’t love a good chili dog, I ask you?). It’s versatile AND easy to make! It’s a twofer!

4. I’ve been making a lot of headway into archiving my iTunes library on DVDs. I’d much prefer to back up to a hard drive, but Apple doesn’t allow that option yet. Someday, maybe, but for now... Besides, my library is something close to 300gb. If I had a spare disk that size I’d want to actually use it. I need a 1tb disk, I think, that way I can have EVERYTHING online at the same time. It’d be even better to have two such drives in a RAID 1 configuration, Just In Case™. But that’s a plan for when we actually have money. Right now I’ll stick with the more fragile but infinitely cheaper DVD-R.

3. My friend Mike invited me to go to Japan with him. That made me happy, and I really wish I could go. Maybe if I get a job soon, but it seems unlikely. He was in JET back in the 90’s, and was in a little town outside of Kobe. In fact, he went to Kobe to help out after the quake. He’s a good egg. I’m also happy that he’s able to go. His (now ex-) wife flipped out a few years ago and ran up a bunch of charges on their credit cards and left him in a nasty financial mess. That he’s able to go means he’s getting back on his feet. I’m really glad of it. He didn’t deserve the mess she left him.

2. THERE’S NO CHANCE IN HELL OF THAT FASCIST MOTHERFUCKER GUILIANI BECOMING PRESIDENT! PROBABLY EVER! WOOHOO!

1. Grace loves me. God knows why, but she does. As if I deserved it. And so that makes me happy.

0. I made us a nice dinner. No real reason, just a bit of affordable gustatory extravagance. Garlic and Rosemary Smashed Potatoes with Goat Cheese, a couple filets mignon left over from the Omaha steak package Mom and Dad sent us last year and some steamed edamame. Very, very tasty. But then, I made the potatoes with heavy cream instead of skim milk (pah! white water is all it is) and a couple cloves of roasted garlic so of COURSE it was delicious!