Places I would rather be

So April has, for the most part, been cooperative with the weather. It’s been sunny but cool, sticking to the mid-60’s. Except for this weekend, and a couple weekends back. It’s as if the weather is taunting us. It goes something like this: It’s 80°F by 9am and it doesn’t go down until after the sun goes down. After the sun goes down the outside temps drop rapidly. Meanwhile the house is anything BUT cool. The house isn’t terrible in the morning, but by noon it’s at least 10°F hotter inside than it is outside. It won’t shed that heat until around 3am or so, but the house will become slightly more livable (~80°F) by 9pm. I chill my drinks in the freezer and they’re room temp within half an hour. During that first heat wave this month we had a stick of butter out on the counter. By the time we realised it was still out it had LIQUIFIED. Every piece of chocolate in the house has by now melted, resolidified and then melted again. I hate this house.

Long story short, I live in a building designed to retain as much heat as possible in the summer and to stay as cold as possible in the winter. If only there were some way to store up all that heat in the summer and radiate it back in the winter, and vice versa. And the people who say that LA doesn’t get humid are full of SHIT. USDA Grade A Premium Organic BULLSHIT. LA might not be built on a swamp like Chicago and Washington DC, but it still gets far more humid that I can take. I honestly don’t know if I can stand another summer of this heat. It wouldn’t be so bad if we could afford to get the house insulated and sealed so we could get air conditioning, or if we could afford to get a few of those turbine vents installed. The vents themselves are cheap, but installation’s a bitch and a half.

So here then is a list of places I would rather be other than LA.

1. The heart of the sun. It might be hotter, but my misery would last approximately .0005 femtoseconds before my death.
2. Frozen in a fucking glacier. I might be DEAD, but it’s a COOL death. And three thousand years from now I’ll be found and my mummified remains can be put on display as people gaze in wonder at me and try to understand why I willingly froze myself in a block of ice the size of Rhode Island.
3. Las Vegas? FUCK. NO. “But it’s a dry heat!” Fuck you. Let’s try someplace farther north, like Seattle.
4. The dark side of Luna.
5. Anyplace where they’ve heard of air conditioning. I swear, it’s like there’s an aversion to it here. If you live in a place where it NEVER FUCKING SNOWS and the temps regularly top out over 100°F in the summer, why do you not build houses with AIR CONDITIONING??? What are you people, idiots? Sheesh. You snotty elitists look down on folks from the midwest, but at least WE have the sense to build insulated houses with air conditioning and heating systems.
6. Hell. It’s got to be cooler than this.