Alien Girlybrain

Twitter is dead. its replacement, Bluesky, is in many ways a great site, but given its lack of privacy controls, requiring me to just block randos who follow me un-asked-for instead of allowing me to go fully private or to simply vet users before allowing them to follow me, it’s not a site i am currently capable of using.

and then there’s Facebook, which is… fine. except that it has in the last couple days begun inserting “recommended” pages into my feed joking about or featuring people threatening anal rape. so i’m taking a break from that.

and i find myself wondering just what it is i should be doing if i’m not spinning my wheels on social media? and that’s not something i’ve figured out yet. i have ideas. we went to to Japan in April, and i found my Japanese quite deficient for more than basic stuff, so i could get serious about that, since we’re planning to go back next year. i could also start writing again. i could take some exercise (see above where i said we’re going back to Japan next year; i did reasonably well for someone as out-of-shape (well, round’s a shape, innit?) as i am, but it could have gone better. i desperately need to strengthen my core.

so it’s not for lack of ideas that i’m at loose ends. but motivation is, as ever, lacking.

after several months of waiting, i went in late July to an ADHD screening. the doctor doing the evaluation basically said yes, you have ADHD, but was unwilling to prescribe anything. instead, she asked me to meet with a psychiatrist. that meeting was today, and i came away with a prescription for adderall.

i'm pretty happy about this. i'm a little nervous, because i don't know exactly what to expect, but i'm hopeful it will help me. i know it's not going to be a magic bullet but any beneficial effect would be helpful.

welp today we went to Costco to get my meds and look at mattresses. instead we came home with a new sofa/futon. it's smaller than the old sofa but much more solid and higher quality. plus it's a bed. i've been sleeping on the sofa for the last week or so and it's helped my back and legs a lot (usually when i sleep in the bed i have trouble standing up in the morning; i'm SUPER stiff and my left foot is in a LOT of pain. when i sleep on the sofa, i do not have this problem). because it's a futon, i can put the back down when i go to sleep, and the arm rests are also adjustable (and can be laid totally flat). it's only a two-seater but who cares? it's just us 99% of the time, and we still have the love seat which came with the sofa and which is in far better nick because we rarely actually use it, so anyone who comes over can sit on that.

we still need to find a new mattress because the old one really needs to be replaced, but it's still usable for now.

today marks three years since Chloe and Molly came home to live with us. hard to believe.

going to Indiana (well, Wisconsin, THEN Indiana) next week to visit my folks. it'll be nice to see everyone again. the last time i was there was September last and it's just been too damn long for my tastes. i hope drive back there later this year, if everything works out, but for this trip i'm flying. i'm a little bummed because a friend from Texas is going to be here in SoCal this month and, you guessed it, her visit directly coincides with my being AFK. *sad* BUT! i have a friend who lives near my aunt and uncle and i'll get to visit with them on this trip, so yay for that!

it will be lovely to see everyone again. it's hard sometimes, living so far away from my very elderly parents.

OH! super-excited about the new season of The Expanse starting up! i've been mainlining the books (just finished Nemesis Games, which is volume 5 (with 7 total books published thus far and another due in December) and i'm finding it a little jarring to switch gears back to the TV version of everything. it's radically different and yet exactly the same. i LOVE the design of The Razorback in particular. i was going to wait until the entire series had aired before watching it, but i just couldn't help myself. i have a feeling this show is going to be like Babylon 5, one that i revisit time and again and which i'll still be watching 20 years from now (assuming we survive President Trump).

also! i've been reading a lot! five books in a month! that's SO MANY BOOKS for me, you don't even know. i think i'm at seven for the year so far. i love this second-hand Kindle Travis got me last year! it's amazing!

so a couple days ago i started stuttering. at first it was just for a short while, maybe a few hours, and it went away after a while. the next day it was back, for a spell, though longer. yesterday, Travis's mom came by to get some stuff from the garage and i started stuttering a bit then, but it did go away. then… in the afternoon, i went to the store. i started stuttering again while there and haven't stopped.

i googled it and was reassured to discover that, while it's not COMMON, adult-onset stuttering DOES happen, and it's generally down to stress. it can be caused by other things, such as trauma to the brain (a stroke or concussion) or neurological diseases like MS or Parkinson's (which, thanks to Dad, i am now TERRIFIED of). but given its odd onset, i think stress is the most likely culprit. i notice that it doesn't happen when i'm speaking another language or if i put on an accent, or sing. that furthers my certainty it's stress; if it were Parkinson's or a stroke i should be stuttering no matter which language or accent i was speaking with.

so over the next couple days i need to do a stress inventory and figure out all the sources of stress in my life, then figure out how i'm going to mitigate them. it's telling, to me at least, that this developed not long after i finalised my travel plans for visiting my folks. they're going on my inventory as entry #1 with a bullet.

i'm going to say, if it's a choice between this stutter, which is inconvenient but not incapacitating, and panic attacks, i will take the stammer any day of the week. it's annoying but i'm not embarrassed by it. and if i understand the reasons behind it, maybe i can work around it. and if not, well, whoopdie-deedle.

ETA: stuttering can also happen in adults who stuttered as children. i don't recall stuttering when i was a boy, but given that i have very few concrete memories of my youth, that means nothing. i plan to ask Mom about it when next we speak.

*holds envelope to head*
old, broken, useless
*opens envelope*
“What three words describe the person posting this?”

wait, that's not funny…

i will never be able to accept what i've done to myself. i will never find peace with transitioning or being trans. i will always hate myself

nothing will change this

i am doomed to a life of depression and sorrow.

We took Heidi down to Dr Kenneth Jones's office and he very gently eased her passage into the next life. Our little girl is gone. I know it was the right thing to do but it still hurts like hell. She was my dear little purrmonster and no other cat could ever take her place.

I am still alive. I have thoughts about what to do with this space but I'm not sure anyone's actually listening anymore so I'm not sure as I should bother. We'll see.

The kitten is amazing and I love her. Travis is amazing and I love HIM. My parents are still alive and I love them. I was gutted by Leonard Nimoy's passing. I still get migraines but I have insurance now so the meds don't cost an arm and a leg.

The cosmic ballet goes on.