Alien Girlybrain

after several months of waiting, i went in late July to an ADHD screening. the doctor doing the evaluation basically said yes, you have ADHD, but was unwilling to prescribe anything. instead, she asked me to meet with a psychiatrist. that meeting was today, and i came away with a prescription for adderall.

i'm pretty happy about this. i'm a little nervous, because i don't know exactly what to expect, but i'm hopeful it will help me. i know it's not going to be a magic bullet but any beneficial effect would be helpful.

Short one.

Today was pretty wretched. I do not have a diagnosis, obviously, but I think one of my mental issues is bipolar disorder. If this is bipolar disorder, it is the "ultradian" form, as I can cycle multiple times in a single day. Obviously this will be one of the first things I get checked out once the insurance is active, because while I can GUESS at this, there's no way for me to know for certain. If nothing else it can give me a starting point with a psychiatrist.

Also? As of this moment, my preferred pronouns are they/their and my name is reverting to Carla. I'd rather it were something more gender neutral, and I suppose I could go back to calling myself B or Bea, but whatever.

I would give a large sum of money to never, EVER have to deal with gender (either my own or others') ever again. I fucking hate gender, sex, sexuality and all that. It makes me nauseous.

I asked Travis if he would be willing to tell the morning parking person that it wasn't working out, and he said he would. So this morning when she came back for her car, he let her know that it wasn't working out and she was very understanding about it. He's able to do that kind of thing, but it's very stressful for me as I dislike conflict. And as he was talking with her, it occurred to me she was probably taking it better from him because he's a guy and maybe less willing to try to argue with him or something. Dunno. All I know is that it's done and she's out of our hair and I feel about a billionty-five times better than I did when I woke up. Now maybe tomorrow when I wake up I won't feel like a ball of shit wrapped in a layer of crap, lovingly frosted with glucose*.

Then again, I'll be waking up with my brain in my body, so…









*Ten points if you know what that's from.

Today is my mother's 80th birthday. It's also the fourth anniversary of my name change.

This morning, I went up to the New Balance store at 26th and Wilshire to see if I could try on some dress shoes. My rapist said her mom has been wearing a shoe from NB's Aravon series, and said they come in size 13. As it happens, I usually take a 13. So I go in, have them measure my foot. They've got a fancy-schmancy foot-measuring doohicky in the store that can even measure your arch. So I do the measurement dance and discover their machine thinks I'm a 13, D width. This is the first time I've gotten a definitive measurement of my foot since transitioning, so I'm at least glad to know that.

The guy helping me tells me there are only a few of the Aravon shoes available in 13. Great, I say. I want the Phyllis. Because, seriously, LOOK AT THIS SHOE. It's feminine (but not girly), which is pretty much impossible in this size range. Generally cute shoes top out at 10 or 11, sometimes 12. Anything higher than that is almost always either indistinguishable from a man's shoe or it screams "I'M A GIGANTIC FUCKING DRAG QUEEN!" So I'm all set to order the shoe when he says, "Oh, these are only available in the B width. In fact, everything in size 13 is B only." Uh…WHAT? Does it not occur to New Balance that women with size 13 feet might have wider than average feet? The size 12 shoes come in the D width, but might be too short to fit. I've had a bad experience with too-small shoes (last October, at the Franz Ferdinand show, I wore 12s and lost a toenail and messed the rest of them up rather badly) so I'm wary of those.

I decided to order a pair of the 13s anyway, on the basis that you never know, and every shoe is different. Besides, my rapist said they run a little large (his mom's a 9.5 and she's a 10 and she can wear her mom's shoes comfortably). So I guess in 5-7 business days we'll find out whether these shoes fit me. If not, at least shipping is free both ways.

You would THINK that shoe shopping would stress me out and cause depression, but no. It just frustrates me. I'm so tired of not being able to find nice shoes that look good and actually FIT me, much less give me any arch support or anything. My current daily shoe is a pair of sandals I got when I was here in May of last year visiting. They're Rockports, so they're good quality, but they're not so great for interviews (on which I have been on exactly ONE so far), which leaves me relying on my crappy "Shoes for Crews" shoes which I bought after I started working at Big Y last fall, and which, after just a few months' steady use, look like they're a couple years old. Also not so great, but better than the sandals.

Urgh. I'm pretty sure I've delivered this rant about a million times in various locations and I'm sorry. I don't have the energy for it anymore. Yes, this is yet another reason why I would like to detransition, so that I don't have to deal with the frustration of not being able to find stylish, feminine shoes in sizes which fit me without destroying my feet. It's not so much to ask, and yet it feels like an impossible thing. AND, unlike with bras, where I was a seriously oddball size for years before I could fit a more normal size, my feet are the size they are. Yes, if I lose weight they might get slightly smaller, but not enough to make THAT much of a difference. They did seem to shrink somewhat when I first started transition (yes, bones can move and be rearranged—just ask my nicely widened hips) but that's long since over. What I've got is what I've got. ANYWAY.

Been up and down a lot today because some stupid SMC college students decided our front yard was a GREAT LOCATION to burn one down. I smelled the pot and thought, "Oh, that's quite nice. I shouldn't mind sharing that with them" but regretted it a short while later when the depression hit. I'm not sure what actually smoking some pot would do to me (it's been a while, but I vaguely recall it was pretty good for my mental health) but I do know that limited, passive exposure to it seems to fuck me up in some pretty awful ways. Our downstairs neighbor used to smoke under our bedroom window in Belchertown, which lead to Damian and I getting nauseous and sick, not to mention migrainey and depressed, several times. At least I don't have to worry about this small exposure showing up in a drug test. I got WAY more exposure in B'town and my test results for Big Y were totally clear.

It's hard to believe the kitten has been with us over a week now. She continues to show signs of relaxing and adapting to her new home, which makes me very happy. I was worried she might be miserable here, but I worried for naught. Hell, her thinker's the size of a chickpea so I'm sure she'd be able to be content anywhere as long as there were toys (read: empty cardboard boxes), food and fresh, clean water. :) The antibiotics (oral and eye drops) she's been taking have really helped her out. Her eyes are totally clear now and not goopy. She's able to open her left eye completely and comfortably. And while she still sneezes occasionally, her nose isn't running anymore and she hasn't had a sneezing fit today.

She is a total sweetheart and we love her.

Today was a genuinely good day. Some twinges of paranoia here and there but all easily kept under control. I really hope this marks a turning point for me.

I stayed home from group tonight, too. I didn't need anxiety about a social situation causing me stress. Last night, we went for dinner to Burger King. While there, I started having a panic attack. Travis noticed and asked what was wrong. This is one of the strongest agoraphobic attacks I've had in a while. And wouldn,t you know it? Oncw we got home, I was fine. I didn't want a repeat of that, only in Hollywood-a 2 hour bus ride from home-tonight. As it happened, we went to the grocery store-and I was perfectly fine.

I feel somewhat optimistic about stuff right now. I'm going to ease myself into "normal" non-depressive behavious and hope this isn't just the eye of the storm.

And little Heidi continues to delight, though she's starting to get more adventurous and is finding her way to places I'd rather she not be. :)

We've still not settled on a name for the kitten yet. Either DJ (short for Dingus Junior, taken from an episode of The Simpsons we saw last night) or Heidi, because she seems to love to hide.

I continue to be plagued by anxiety, paranoia and depression, and feel like crap even as I write this (even though there's a little baby playing around my feet at this exact moment, and tickling me with her whiskers) and, unfairly, feeling bad makes me feel worse because it's so wrong for me to feel like this because my life is really freaking awesome.

And somehow even in the midst of my own pain and despair I'm able to encourage others. Yeah, I'm complicated like that. :)

I recognised the fact my depression was being driven by anxiety tonight and was able to medicate for it. I'm so proud of myself for recognising this and taking the appropriate steps to treat it.

The kitten is making me laugh tonight, which is a good thing. I feel like we made a good choice with her. She's affectionate (she'll start purring the moment you start petting her) and has a good temperament and doesn't hiss or swipe or claw (though her claws ARE sharp, and she doesn't know yet that human flesh does not make a great scratching post! Ow!).

I roasted a chicken tonight. I did it with bacon layered over the top and a bottle of cider. It's so moist and delicious! I need to get some dried cranberries and pear cider for the next time. SO good!

And now, for fun, heeeeeeeeeeere's kitty!

Today's been a bloody pissing wreck for me, emotionally. Came to a fairly important realisation, then found out something which threw me for a loop and caused a *HUGE* crash, which, when combined with the anxiety I was feeling about going to group tonight left me in a very bad way. So I wound up taking half a lorazepam, which I thought would be enough to help me but not so much as to incapacitate me, to get the anxiety under control, since that was the real problem. Anxiety over what to do about something I can do absolutely nothing about: super productive!

Then at group there was a person who took every opportunity to say "I'm a transsexual". Seriously, every damn time they spoke they lead with, "Well, I'm a transsexual". And, apparently they're either bigender or third gender. They didn't seem to have a clear concept of that, or if they do, they failed to communicate it clearly. They were pissed off at the idea of being associated with the B, L and G community and said "I don't want to be under any umbrella. It ain't raining!" They were vehement about that. And any time someone tried to address anything they said, they got super defensive. I…um… I really hope they don't come back. I think that if I were the one saying people with different opinions and experiences were marginalising me, I'd steer well clear of that group in future.

The lorazepam and emotional fun I've had today have left me feeling empty and exhausted and I need sleep, so I'm heading to bed now. I'll do another post later about the important realisation. :)

I've got to stop calling them "daily affirmations" if I'm not saying or doing anything to affirm myself. Daily recap? ( Eh, whatever this is, here's another one for ya. )

And I'm still standing, despite my mental illnesses' best efforts to get me to change that, so I'll say this day skews good. Tomorrow might be a little difficult, because Travis will be at work late (they're remodeling and tomorrow's a big day for one of his largest sections) but if I need him I've told him I will come out to see him and maybe we can go get a bit of lunch or dinner or something.

Today was mostly OK but I've crashed now. Tired of the crashes. Don't know what to do about them.

Had a good dinner. We made a couple more roasted veggie pizzas. Watched some Simpsons and walked to the store. I think I know what sparked the crash but I don't know how to keep it from happening again.

But I'm still alive, so that's something, right?

Today's been good. The first really GOOD day I've had in a while.

I walked up to Trader Joe's to get some bits and bobs for tonight's dinner—roasted veggie pizza. The last time I went to TJs I got some sliced crimini mushrooms and some frozen artichoke hearts, and then when I got home I tried to think of what to do with them.

I roasted some tomatoes, a red onion, a bunch of garlic and then artichokes and mushrooms, and put them on some TJs pizza shells (they sell these frozen and ready-to-use) with some leftover pesto and shredded fresh mozzarella. Let me tell you, that was a SERIOUSLY delicious dinner. And there are plenty of veggies left over for at least two more pizzas, probably more.

I think the depression is mostly past me now. I kind of have a hollow feeling, like something's missing, and that feeling usually accompanies the passing of depression. Assuming this is really the end of this depressive cycle I'll find balance in the next day or two. Of course, I'll need to stay vigilant during this time to make sure I don't fall back into depression, which can happen all too easily.

Tomorrow, Travis has the day off. We're planning on doing NOTHING all day because next week will be very busy for him. Not only is he now the assistant manager but his store is currently being remodeled, and this coming week they'll be working on his sections. The store manager has told him he'll be able to get overtime this week so he's determined to take it easy tomorrow as he's not even sure he'll be able to take his other day off…erm…off. And they *STILL* haven't told him how much of a raise he's getting. The manager confirmed that yes, he's getting a raise, but he had no idea how much of one. He's supposed to be looking into it but he's working 12+ hour days and not getting his days off during the remodel and transition so it's completely understandable that he hasn't had the opportunity to find out yet. You'd think the main store would communicate this information to Travis, but no.