Day six: This is only a guess
Jun. 30th, 2010 10:46 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
seishunI'm in a hell of a lot of pain tonight. I have but a few percocet left, and while Russann says she's mailing me a refill prescription, I have no way of knowing when it's going to get here. The five pills I have left might have to suffice for a week, I don't know.
But that's not the only area in which I'm suffering tonight. Two people have made comments today which (unintentionally, I know) have made me feel like a freak. I am pretty much asexual. I don't enjoy sex, and I don't want to have sex. Physical contact is pleasant, and I love flirtation, but I don't want it going any farther. But these comments were phrased in a way that made it sound like there was something WRONG with me for feeling this way.
Ordinarily I'd just shrug this off but today…today I've been in a strange emotional space. I think this is because of the operation, though whether it's because of the absence of testosterone or whether it's because I've radically altered my body and I need to work through that change emotionally I cannot say. A friend told me tonight that any kind of surgery carries with it the risk of emotional turmoil, and something as radical as orchiectomy is going to have its own special flavour of turmoil. I've carried my testes around as a part of me for forty-three years, and now suddenly they're GONE. Ignore the fact this is an apparently simple out-patient procedure. My TESTES ARE GONE. Men and MAAB people are told from an early age that their genitalia are central to their value as human beings. We're told that anyone whose genitalia are damaged or malfunctioning is less of a man. And I'm afraid I've internalised a lot of that bullshit, no matter how much I despise my body and my genitalia. So I've got that to work through. I hope I can get this sorted because I don't think I can deal with this emotional turmoil much longer.
And I don't think Dorothea's transphobic email helped, steeped as it was in language which recalled an especially poisonous Chick tract called Wounded Children which I read as a child. It damaged me mentally and emotionally and lead to me believing that I was a horrible person for having body dissonance and believing I was a little girl. So that…yeah, that didn't help one fucking bit.
So once I process all this crap maybe I'll be OK. Maybe. And maybe one of these days I'll post about something other than my orchi. Maybe.
But that's not the only area in which I'm suffering tonight. Two people have made comments today which (unintentionally, I know) have made me feel like a freak. I am pretty much asexual. I don't enjoy sex, and I don't want to have sex. Physical contact is pleasant, and I love flirtation, but I don't want it going any farther. But these comments were phrased in a way that made it sound like there was something WRONG with me for feeling this way.
Ordinarily I'd just shrug this off but today…today I've been in a strange emotional space. I think this is because of the operation, though whether it's because of the absence of testosterone or whether it's because I've radically altered my body and I need to work through that change emotionally I cannot say. A friend told me tonight that any kind of surgery carries with it the risk of emotional turmoil, and something as radical as orchiectomy is going to have its own special flavour of turmoil. I've carried my testes around as a part of me for forty-three years, and now suddenly they're GONE. Ignore the fact this is an apparently simple out-patient procedure. My TESTES ARE GONE. Men and MAAB people are told from an early age that their genitalia are central to their value as human beings. We're told that anyone whose genitalia are damaged or malfunctioning is less of a man. And I'm afraid I've internalised a lot of that bullshit, no matter how much I despise my body and my genitalia. So I've got that to work through. I hope I can get this sorted because I don't think I can deal with this emotional turmoil much longer.
And I don't think Dorothea's transphobic email helped, steeped as it was in language which recalled an especially poisonous Chick tract called Wounded Children which I read as a child. It damaged me mentally and emotionally and lead to me believing that I was a horrible person for having body dissonance and believing I was a little girl. So that…yeah, that didn't help one fucking bit.
So once I process all this crap maybe I'll be OK. Maybe. And maybe one of these days I'll post about something other than my orchi. Maybe.
