Endings

[seishun]

So after my last update I actually did put an end to my relationship with Damian. It's clear from the things he said to me during the split that he no longer considered me his wife but of course would he give me that before? No. I'm pretty sure he was hoping I would come crawling back to him, begging his forgiveness for having spurned him (though…yeah, I didn't really do that and if he'd wanted me to stay in Massachusetts he had every opportunity to make that clear in April and suggesting that I could have checked myself into the psych ward in Ware (which would have required me to lie as I was *NOT* suicidal) seven months after the fact is ridiculous, especially since he wasn't willing to drive me to the hospital since he was sick).

I was feeling pretty awful at first. Guilty as fuck, full of doubt and self-hatred. Oddly enough, though, now that I'm free of the uncertainty and doubt I'm starting to feel a lot better. I'm able to think about myself and my needs. I don't need to worry about how things are going to work out between us because they aren't going to. I love him and want only good things for him, but that won't include me anymore. He was, as ever, in full-on "avoid talking and thinking about anything serious no matter how negatively that affects everyone else" mode, and I was bloody sick and tired of being strung along and left completely in the dark about his emotional state and his life. There was *NO* way that was ever going to end elegantly, not after the way we behaved ourselves (not to mention Seth's fuckery).

And you know what? I'm 47 fucking years old. I'm too old for this kind of relationship bullshit. I'm too old to play around with broken relationships. I have living to do and plans I intend to see through, and I can't do that if I'm waiting on him to mature enough to be able deal with the problems in our relationship. Maybe one day we'll be able to reconcile and be friends again. I'd like that. I hope it happens. But for now, I've got to take care of myself, and part of that means removing problematic people from my life. I hate that it's happened, but it has and now I'm moving on without him.

I just keep on going and every day gets a little bit easier. I hope the same is true for him.

Comments

[aris_tgd]

That really sounds like you made the right decision. I know that I talk up Captain Awkward a lot, but something that the community talks about a lot is that even if people love each other, if being in the relationship makes them stressed and miserable then they should break up. Relationships should give you energy and should make you feel more secure, not less. If a relationship doesn't give you that, it needs to be changed, perhaps ended. It's sad and nobody likes breaking up, but if you're feeling relieved and better, that's worth it.

Anyway, sorry you've been going through this much stress. I hope it continues to get better.